34 and counting

So life has been not the best since my last post. It's so frustrating how my life is just unraveling before my eyes and I don't know how to stop it or turn it around. Lost this past job...completely horrible turn of events but I'm so thankful to be out of that environment forever.

I turned 34 Tuesday and returned to babysitting (only thing I CAN do because I have school which just seems to be more of a hassle than anything else) today but only 2 days. God, I'm so tired of taking care of other people's kids. I love it but I am just so tired of it.

Watching Greys tonight and I saw that a stupid character on the show is pregnant and it just PISSES me off because some tv creation is pregnant and I seem to be destined to never be. When they showed the "heartbeat" I started to cry because I know that I will never get that amazing moment myself. I just don't think Paul will ever take the step. I don't know what to do about that either and I just feel so lost and helpless. I really feel helpless. I don't know what to do, I just have no clue. I've tried talking to him but that doesn't go over well and I just don't know what to do. It KILLS me...seriously HURTS inside each time I hear that someone new is pregnant (real person or created for entertainment reasons). I'm so tired of everything.

And my meds are working ok. Been on this dose since October and I'm feeling good on it and making sure that I don't go more than a day's skip to ensure there's no massively bad headache. I'm thankful for the meds because I don't know what shape I'd be in without it. It's funny, I watch tv commercials that talk about how depression hurts and that certain medications will help lesson thoughts. It's true...my thoughts have lessened but I still hurt while I take it (especially at night) and I haven't had those thoughts lately but I just wish my life was different. I don't know how else to explain it but I wish my life was different and wish _I_ was different.

I'm just so tired and so weary and so overwhelmed and so over everything. I love Paul but I want more and I don't know how to get there WITH him. I definitely can see myself getting there WITHOUT him and that's odd to me to admit that but it's true. I know that if he wasn't around, that I could go and make my dream come true but BECAUSE of him I can't. It's not his fault, it's just a reality.

I don't know...I just don't know anything anymore. Need to figure it out and GOD I hope 2011 is better than 2010 because if it's not, I'm seriously going to admit myself into a psych ward or get in my car and drive away and not look back and start over in some new, distant town. Gosh, that sounds nice and tempting...really tempting.

Guess I'm off to bed. So glad I found you and can express all these things. Without you, I'd be worse off.

Thanks and until next time!
Amy

It's December!

Been so long since I put something here. New medication level has been going really well and I've been feeling so good on it. That's probably why I haven't been here to write lately but that's a good thing right? Well recently I've started developing these HORRIFIC headaches and I can only call them migraines because they are SO painful and just throb in my head and my vision gets all fuzzy. In fact, I have a semi-headache NOW. I should be asleep because I have to get up in 6 hours but wanted to finish up a game and researching my headaches. PLUS, my truck is having issues and I'm stressing about that a little because the last thing I need right now is a new or used vehicle (i.e. car payment!). I just don't want to try anymore. Off to bed. Thanks for being here!

Amy

I want to SCREAM!

Oh my goodness! I want to scream so badly right now! It's absolutely crazy how I'm feeling! I miss Paul SOO much while he's away and just wish he was here for hugs. But I cannot wait til Mom gets here Thursday...she's such a steadying factor for me...I really need her!

Meds upped again so that's good...feel good about that...hoping this dose helps.

Please think of me!

1 Month of Work

Hey there! So I've been at this job for a month! FINALLY got my first baby and I'm loving being with her and doing the job I was hired to do and frankly, the job I LIKE to do. I wish she was 5 days but she's only 3 so I'm frustrated by that but trying to be ok with everything.

I'm having a REALLY rough night. I have NO idea why or where this is coming from. After dinner we were watching tv and I just felt like the world was caving in and I didn't know how to get out! I ended up in the bathroom hyperventilating and feeling like I was going to really lose it and then thoughts started. I seriously am so tired of this and so tired of life. I am really struggling to be happy and to return back to the old me but I can't get there. I don't know where she is and I don't know how to get there and I'm scared I'll never get there and it'll get worse. I should be worried that my hubby will get fed up but frankly, part of me doesn't care and welcomes that option because then I CAN escape this life and start over fresh somewhere else and find myself.

I guess that's the biggest realization while writing this. I'm lost. I have NO idea where I am and how to get back to ME (if that makes any sense). Life has no happiness because I don't have direction and I have no focus or anything. I'm just done and ready for a new life away from this one that I'm living right now.

Amy

New Job

Ok so the new job is going ok. I like my coworkers and everyone I work with. I think we make a great fit and seem to all work well together. I'm actually the "mother hen" of teachers...I can't believe I'm the oldest! It totally SUCKS! But anyway, I'm not with babies (there aren't any) so I've been filling in in the kitchen and music. Next week music goes away and I'm in the 2's...which is fine...I'm SO done with the kitchen duty!

Now, on to more about why I created this thing. I finished another month so I've been on this stuff 2 months now. I don't know how I feel. Nights are REALLY difficult for me and right now I just feel so low. I cannot cry anymore. I don't know if it's the meds (most likely) or what but it takes SO much for me to cry. I get sad but I just can't shed the tears. I've been having moments at work where I get paranoid that people don't like me or talk about me and I just can't handle it. When will this pain end?

Oh and my hubby knows I'm on these meds and he's not happy. He doesn't think they can make me happy. I mean frankly I'm NOT happy but I'm not forever miserable either. I still have weird thoughts and wish sometimes they'd come true but I'm not having as many...if that makes any sense.

If you read this, say a prayer for me.
That's all I've got in me tonight...until next time.

~Amy

Success?

Ok so I was offered and accepted a job at a new center nearby. I can't believe I'm returning to the world of corporate bull. I said when I left the last s---hole that I'd never work in one again unless I was management but here I am, unable to get OUT of the Infant Room. Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to work with babies and get to sit and rock with them and create my own way of doing things and stuff. I just hope this one turns out better than the last.

Feeling numb this week. Been going for PT for my foot since April for tendonitis and I thought it was better but over weekend the pain came back. I'm so frustrated and annoyed! Sneakers everyday now to make sure it wasn't sandals that did the new damage. Not sure if I can take Celebrex while on my meds...going to call doctor tomorrow or pharmacy to find out.

So many things going through my head to put here. I'm just really feeling off this week. I don't want to work but I have to so that's part of the issue. I enjoy sitting at home and basically doing whatever I want but reality is kicking in and I need to help support my family.

Will write more next week after starting...please let this work out.

Until then!
Amy

A month later

So I went for my 1st Med Check appointment since starting medicine. I had all these things I wanted to say to the dr but I just didn't. She asked how everything was going and I told her that I have some really bad days and some ok days. It's just so hard to stay positive and FORCE myself to be happy around others. It's hardest on the weekends. I don't know why, maybe it's because my hubby is there with me and I feel bad that we don't "do" anything but I just have no desire to do anything and thinking of things to do makes it worse.

I had 2 interviews last week and I was supposed to hear back on Friday and it's now Monday and still no word so that's really frustrating. I am really excited about either opportunity and I know that the right one will come along but it's just so hard to wait. Going to call the one back in a bit and see what they say, if there's any word on a decision to hire me or not. I just want to know at this point.

Ok so I just called. According to receptionist, they got my message from the weekend but hasn't called me back yet. She's on a tour (the director I need to speak with) so hopefully she'll follow up with me later today. It would be such welcome news to hear. I'm not READY to go back to work but I NEED to go back to work and I think my mood will improve and my outlook on things will improve.

Thanks for this diary of sorts and if you read this, please pray for me.

Until next time,
Amy