34 and counting

So life has been not the best since my last post. It's so frustrating how my life is just unraveling before my eyes and I don't know how to stop it or turn it around. Lost this past job...completely horrible turn of events but I'm so thankful to be out of that environment forever.

I turned 34 Tuesday and returned to babysitting (only thing I CAN do because I have school which just seems to be more of a hassle than anything else) today but only 2 days. God, I'm so tired of taking care of other people's kids. I love it but I am just so tired of it.

Watching Greys tonight and I saw that a stupid character on the show is pregnant and it just PISSES me off because some tv creation is pregnant and I seem to be destined to never be. When they showed the "heartbeat" I started to cry because I know that I will never get that amazing moment myself. I just don't think Paul will ever take the step. I don't know what to do about that either and I just feel so lost and helpless. I really feel helpless. I don't know what to do, I just have no clue. I've tried talking to him but that doesn't go over well and I just don't know what to do. It KILLS me...seriously HURTS inside each time I hear that someone new is pregnant (real person or created for entertainment reasons). I'm so tired of everything.

And my meds are working ok. Been on this dose since October and I'm feeling good on it and making sure that I don't go more than a day's skip to ensure there's no massively bad headache. I'm thankful for the meds because I don't know what shape I'd be in without it. It's funny, I watch tv commercials that talk about how depression hurts and that certain medications will help lesson thoughts. It's true...my thoughts have lessened but I still hurt while I take it (especially at night) and I haven't had those thoughts lately but I just wish my life was different. I don't know how else to explain it but I wish my life was different and wish _I_ was different.

I'm just so tired and so weary and so overwhelmed and so over everything. I love Paul but I want more and I don't know how to get there WITH him. I definitely can see myself getting there WITHOUT him and that's odd to me to admit that but it's true. I know that if he wasn't around, that I could go and make my dream come true but BECAUSE of him I can't. It's not his fault, it's just a reality.

I don't know...I just don't know anything anymore. Need to figure it out and GOD I hope 2011 is better than 2010 because if it's not, I'm seriously going to admit myself into a psych ward or get in my car and drive away and not look back and start over in some new, distant town. Gosh, that sounds nice and tempting...really tempting.

Guess I'm off to bed. So glad I found you and can express all these things. Without you, I'd be worse off.

Thanks and until next time!
Amy