Hey there! So I've been at this job for a month! FINALLY got my first baby and I'm loving being with her and doing the job I was hired to do and frankly, the job I LIKE to do. I wish she was 5 days but she's only 3 so I'm frustrated by that but trying to be ok with everything.
I'm having a REALLY rough night. I have NO idea why or where this is coming from. After dinner we were watching tv and I just felt like the world was caving in and I didn't know how to get out! I ended up in the bathroom hyperventilating and feeling like I was going to really lose it and then thoughts started. I seriously am so tired of this and so tired of life. I am really struggling to be happy and to return back to the old me but I can't get there. I don't know where she is and I don't know how to get there and I'm scared I'll never get there and it'll get worse. I should be worried that my hubby will get fed up but frankly, part of me doesn't care and welcomes that option because then I CAN escape this life and start over fresh somewhere else and find myself.
I guess that's the biggest realization while writing this. I'm lost. I have NO idea where I am and how to get back to ME (if that makes any sense). Life has no happiness because I don't have direction and I have no focus or anything. I'm just done and ready for a new life away from this one that I'm living right now.
Amy
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
New Job
Ok so the new job is going ok. I like my coworkers and everyone I work with. I think we make a great fit and seem to all work well together. I'm actually the "mother hen" of teachers...I can't believe I'm the oldest! It totally SUCKS! But anyway, I'm not with babies (there aren't any) so I've been filling in in the kitchen and music. Next week music goes away and I'm in the 2's...which is fine...I'm SO done with the kitchen duty!
Now, on to more about why I created this thing. I finished another month so I've been on this stuff 2 months now. I don't know how I feel. Nights are REALLY difficult for me and right now I just feel so low. I cannot cry anymore. I don't know if it's the meds (most likely) or what but it takes SO much for me to cry. I get sad but I just can't shed the tears. I've been having moments at work where I get paranoid that people don't like me or talk about me and I just can't handle it. When will this pain end?
Oh and my hubby knows I'm on these meds and he's not happy. He doesn't think they can make me happy. I mean frankly I'm NOT happy but I'm not forever miserable either. I still have weird thoughts and wish sometimes they'd come true but I'm not having as many...if that makes any sense.
If you read this, say a prayer for me.
That's all I've got in me tonight...until next time.
~Amy
Now, on to more about why I created this thing. I finished another month so I've been on this stuff 2 months now. I don't know how I feel. Nights are REALLY difficult for me and right now I just feel so low. I cannot cry anymore. I don't know if it's the meds (most likely) or what but it takes SO much for me to cry. I get sad but I just can't shed the tears. I've been having moments at work where I get paranoid that people don't like me or talk about me and I just can't handle it. When will this pain end?
Oh and my hubby knows I'm on these meds and he's not happy. He doesn't think they can make me happy. I mean frankly I'm NOT happy but I'm not forever miserable either. I still have weird thoughts and wish sometimes they'd come true but I'm not having as many...if that makes any sense.
If you read this, say a prayer for me.
That's all I've got in me tonight...until next time.
~Amy
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